Friends. Parties. Intricacies.

Guilt or innocence?

Guilt or innocence?

If it weren’t semestral break, I wouldn’t be writing this one heck of a post in a typical non-sun day called Wednesday in a damp and cold city unambiguously called home.

Wednesday. No sun, mountain breeze, I’m alone. I should be happy because I’m at home and whatnot, but the monotony in the atmosphere is killing me.. which makes me even lonelier. So I decided to share to you “my” unanticipated life in the first semester of being a medical student.

It becomes increasingly difficult to write and sum up 5-months of experiences when you are busy all the time (Ahemm. But I’m going to try anyway), medicine so far..

..friends, party, intricacy.

Friends. I’ve been busy because of freakin’ awesome new friends (and some not, others are outright annoying, but whatever). I found myself reeling a handful of treasures – some as rare as blood diamonds standing out in a pool of dull grey stones, a beautiful golden crown out of worn-out headpieces, and pearls washed out in black sand (that’s how rarity comes in sometimes in your life). I begin to confide in the most unlikely way with the most unlikely persons in the most unlikely time (if you eventually read this, which is also unlikely, you know who you are). I have new friends which are remarkably different from my previous circle of friends – they easily bear the pain heroically, can have this kind of laughter which is infectious in nature, men who are scarred yet still manages to smile infinitely. This realization is a whiplash of what life really is – falling to the ground and standing up again. I planted it then; surround yourself with positive people and soak yourself with principles you’ll eventually live for.

Parties. The city air shows no sign of sleeping at 12 am (which is way too different to the city I grew up in, were at most, the day ends at 8 pm), the music at full blast, sweat and alcohol reeking in thin air, people are squeezing under the awnings of an alive party house, where a dozen men pull themselves up to dance and feel the ground shaking below them. I was sitting at one corner – all to avoid the downpour of music and movement. I realized that people really has different appetites to feed their cravings, different interests. My past revisited me and felt lonely once again. I don’t have my real friends with me now, I am alone and sitting in a dark corner of a club. Then my med friends who were already on the dance floor gave a sign to go and join them, the very least thing I want to do. Nonsense I guess? Yet I stood up, broke through the crowd, went straight towards them, and felt everything – all at a blurring speed. Hey, everybody has its own effin’ problem, and sometimes everybody can be crazy too.

Intricacies. I’m stuck up, and I’m scared. I guess no one understands because no one knows what I’m going through. I braced myself and adapted a new life mantra (my 99th perhaps) that goes something like this: let go of the things you believe that hinders the happiness you are looking for. Then again, letting go is scary, but liberating as well. I insistently wait for that day.. that day when all intricacies in my life is cleared out. Erased and forgotten. That feeling of being free, without any restrictions, without being ensnared in web of confinements and expectations. I look forward to that day, that day when you’d have to say “it’s time Saff” because we both know it will come, that inevitable day to come. And that is the moment when I’d have to sing my favorite Johnny Nash song; I picture myself shouting and not singing these words.. “I can see clearly now, the rain is gone, I can see all obstacles in my way. Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind. It’s gonna be a bright, bright, sun-shiny day”. And then I can finally declare; I am free. But at the end of the day I also should know that I have to worry, that the deluge of uncertainty of what to do is always there – how to be able to handle it. I will be overwhelmed and forced to show less emotion as I typically show in public. Challenges will be there, for sure. And they will be simmering with sadness.

I want you to know all the processes I am going through – from having to adjust, to passing the exams, to fighting a war zone, to making up your mind to what is wrong and what is right. This semester is a pocketful of lessons, but not as different as the life I lead before. And frankly speaking, I don’t feel like a medical student YET.