I was blind for how many years for I failed to look at the bad side of everything. Is it a blessing or a curse?
I’ve always had the liking for good things – of sweet stuffs, wonderful words, of sunsets, and of falling leaves. But through the years, I have realized that behind every good thing there lies an opposing counterpart.. the familiarity of bitterness after tasting sweet perfection, of remorseful words, of the lonely night that follows a beautiful sunset, and of the bare tree after all the leaves has fallen out. When you lost sight of pessimism, you will expect good things from everyone.. then a simple refusal will break your fickle bones.
Never expect because nothing is there that will last forever.. no can, and no one will.
I felt it, the sadness and torment of jealousy. The monster eating every bit of happiness you had with the memories you shared peacefully. Jealousy begins with doubt, and with doubt it breeds mistrust. Anger, neglect, and exacting retribution. It will be a fall you can’t stop. You regret and end up being strangers.. Strangers to each other, strangers to the feelings you once felt. Both of you a foreigner to the world you put together.
Humans can never be satisfied. Not with their selves, not with the world.
I really wanted to talk to you. I hesitate. I can’t. Because talking to you is rendering torment to the person I love. We live in two different universes – you with overwhelming praise and infinite possibilities, and me.. me in a world of feigned affections. When will you see me? When will you liberate me?
I hesitate to take the courage to ask you one more time. To ask you of what we are, and what will be. I hesitate to show you kindness for you may interpret it as frivolling. I hesitate to look into your eyes for the reason that a single eye contact unlocks my Pandora’s box. I will be down on my knees to beg you to be with me. I will hope, and hope till the end of time.
I hesitate to show you the way because I myself may get lost on the path I might guide. I don’t want to be lost, but if lost means being with you.. Then I won’t hesitate being found by your side.
I looked in your eyes and saw nothing. Empty and dark. Soulless vessels for sight alone. Pale face, blank expression. You were a mystery of the universe.
The college of medicine has become such a busy transit ever since the school started (it was on June) as students come and go with their heavy books and ipads and tabs clutched under their thin arms. Everyone was preparing for the first modules from each year level: embryology for freshmen, basic cardiology for sophomores, obstetrics and gynecology for juniors, and the clerkship for seniors. Ten months later, I’m sitting next to empty chairs and the deafening silence of the halls as the students went back home. On a whim, it’s as if my world was on fast forward. Nevertheless the whole school year was a fun ride; as the maneuver is both dramatic and drudging. Well, a mix of both is the perfect formula for a life unexpected of a medical student. At least, I managed to live a good life for another year. Time flies so fast and the most memorable aspect of this year will now come to an end: me going back home to Marawi – to the sweet smell of grass and nippy breeze and the familiar taste of spicy foods! And not to forget, updating this blog! So, yes, I have all the time in the world plus plus I intend to share a good news: I’ll be a legit third year medical student two months from now! Hoho, yellow everyone!
I want you here and whisper me words. Warm words and colorful ones. Those that make sleep full of wonderful dreams and mornings unforgettable. I want you here and trace your back with my fingertips as we snooze our way to Neverland, where we float on magic boats and travel for eternity. I want that smile you make every morning and say you want a hug in a low and tender voice. I want you here with me, always. I want you forever.