Hesitate

I really wanted to talk to you. I hesitate. I can’t. Because talking to you is rendering torment to the person I love. We live in two different universes – you with overwhelming praise and infinite possibilities, and me.. me in a world of feigned affections. When will you see me? When will you liberate me?

I hesitate to take the courage to ask you one more time. To ask you of what we are, and what will be. I hesitate to show you kindness for you may interpret it as frivolling. I hesitate to look into your eyes for the reason that a single eye contact unlocks my Pandora’s box. I will be down on my knees to beg you to be with me. I will hope, and hope till the end of time. 

I hesitate to show you the way because I myself may get lost on the path I might guide. I don’t want to be lost, but if lost means being with you.. Then I won’t hesitate being found by your side. 

Of Noise and Silence

The college of medicine has become such a busy transit ever since the school started (it was on June) as students come and go with their heavy books and ipads and tabs clutched under their thin arms. Everyone was preparing for the first modules from each year level: embryology for freshmen, basic cardiology for sophomores, obstetrics and gynecology for juniors, and the clerkship for seniors. Ten months later, I’m sitting next to empty chairs and the deafening silence of the halls as the students went back home. On a whim, it’s as if my world was on fast forward. Nevertheless the whole school year was a fun ride; as the maneuver is both dramatic and drudging. Well, a mix of both is the perfect formula for a life unexpected of a medical student. At least, I managed to live a good life for another year. Time flies so fast and the most memorable aspect of this year will now come to an end: me going back home to Marawi – to the sweet smell of grass and nippy breeze and the familiar taste of spicy foods! And not to forget, updating this blog! So, yes, I have all the time in the world plus plus I intend to share a good news: I’ll be a legit third year medical student two months from now! Hoho, yellow everyone! 

Want

I want you here and whisper me words. Warm words and colorful ones. Those that make sleep full of wonderful dreams and mornings unforgettable. I want you here and trace your back with my fingertips as we snooze our way to Neverland, where we float on magic boats and travel for eternity. I want that smile you make every morning and say you want a hug in a low and tender voice. I want you here with me, always. I want you forever.

Pizza

You. Yes you. Guess what, I want to destroy you and make you the most hated person alive. And thank you for making me hate pizza. Both of you. Ha!

As for you, it is not the end. Hurray for being so mature! Im so so proud of you. I want to eat pizza with you!

You. Do you remember that Mango pizza we ate last year? Oh God, time flies so fast. Hoho

You think I miss you? I dunno. Let’s see. Bake me a pizza cake and I might think about it.

Violet pizza? With noodles? Yes. How are you? I wish you’re doing great!

I saw you yesterday eating pizza with your friends.. and thanks for noticing my yellow shorts. Ha ha!

You. There are no yummy pizzas here! Probably in the next city. Let’s runaway.

And you! I think about you all the time (aside from pizza), after what you did (what you wonderfully did).. But I still hate you, FYI.

Operation TULI

If it weren’t for my good friend Almera’s persistence on participating in the operation tuli and a good number of acute absence of uncircumcised kids in Ubaldo Laya, Iligan City – I wouldn’t be taking the risk of performing minor surgery for the first time; putting me through the course of having to assist and observe then perform the surgery myself minutes later.

Okay. Stop. What’s my point here?

I am talking about our recent free operation tuli (circumcision) last May 14 in three baranggays in Ubaldo Laya, which, depending on your own experiences was either a primer or a continuing education for a very basic minor surgery. (Which in my case, a primer where I have to struggle how to properly hold surgical instruments, accurate suturing, prepare the set, etc. One thing; I SUCK.) – downfall of having BS Zoology as your undergrad before medicine. But anywaaaay, it WAS my first time and it WAS expected.

So the course goes like this; every upcoming second year student was paired with an upcoming third year medical student (I was paired with Raff). So, the juniors are to observe and assist with the seniors. You are being taught and advised on what to do and what every step are for. Two fourth-year nurse students are to assist me while Raff is going to be there for any questions.

Raff finished the operation on our first patient with ease, me nodding with every instruction and taking note of every detail he points out. The last thing he said before walking out almost took the soul out of me; “Okay, I’ll bring in the next patient and you’ll operate.”

Yes, I was glad he trusted me after one operation and believed that I can do it though I was a bit hesitant because yeah, IT WAS MY FIRST TIME. So I took the challenge with one thing on mind; this is learning – learning with no room for mistakes because this is happening in all actuality with a 7-year old patient showing his uncircumcised peepee.

“This is an easy task.” That line keeps on repeating on my head like a broken record – over and over and over again. My hand was unstable and can’t stop trembling (I was like that since undergrad even with a cat as a test subject during dissections), and I can’t even talk to my patient properly (due to language barrier perhaps?). Standing right next to me are two nurse students, who in all fairness, was glad to assist me all the way. I was talking to them to relieve the tension I was in.

A few moments later, with the last stroke of suturing needle and last loop to tie the knot – the operation came to a success. Fortunately, nothing went out of place. I knew I took prudent risk for accepting Raff’s test after one observation but it was an accomplishment.

I got my story and pushed beyond my fears, while reining recklessness with ease. After that one operation, I knew I was ready.. ready for more.