Friends. Parties. Intricacies.

Guilt or innocence?

Guilt or innocence?

If it weren’t semestral break, I wouldn’t be writing this one heck of a post in a typical non-sun day called Wednesday in a damp and cold city unambiguously called home.

Wednesday. No sun, mountain breeze, I’m alone. I should be happy because I’m at home and whatnot, but the monotony in the atmosphere is killing me.. which makes me even lonelier. So I decided to share to you “my” unanticipated life in the first semester of being a medical student.

It becomes increasingly difficult to write and sum up 5-months of experiences when you are busy all the time (Ahemm. But I’m going to try anyway), medicine so far..

..friends, party, intricacy.

Friends. I’ve been busy because of freakin’ awesome new friends (and some not, others are outright annoying, but whatever). I found myself reeling a handful of treasures – some as rare as blood diamonds standing out in a pool of dull grey stones, a beautiful golden crown out of worn-out headpieces, and pearls washed out in black sand (that’s how rarity comes in sometimes in your life). I begin to confide in the most unlikely way with the most unlikely persons in the most unlikely time (if you eventually read this, which is also unlikely, you know who you are). I have new friends which are remarkably different from my previous circle of friends – they easily bear the pain heroically, can have this kind of laughter which is infectious in nature, men who are scarred yet still manages to smile infinitely. This realization is a whiplash of what life really is – falling to the ground and standing up again. I planted it then; surround yourself with positive people and soak yourself with principles you’ll eventually live for.

Parties. The city air shows no sign of sleeping at 12 am (which is way too different to the city I grew up in, were at most, the day ends at 8 pm), the music at full blast, sweat and alcohol reeking in thin air, people are squeezing under the awnings of an alive party house, where a dozen men pull themselves up to dance and feel the ground shaking below them. I was sitting at one corner – all to avoid the downpour of music and movement. I realized that people really has different appetites to feed their cravings, different interests. My past revisited me and felt lonely once again. I don’t have my real friends with me now, I am alone and sitting in a dark corner of a club. Then my med friends who were already on the dance floor gave a sign to go and join them, the very least thing I want to do. Nonsense I guess? Yet I stood up, broke through the crowd, went straight towards them, and felt everything – all at a blurring speed. Hey, everybody has its own effin’ problem, and sometimes everybody can be crazy too.

Intricacies. I’m stuck up, and I’m scared. I guess no one understands because no one knows what I’m going through. I braced myself and adapted a new life mantra (my 99th perhaps) that goes something like this: let go of the things you believe that hinders the happiness you are looking for. Then again, letting go is scary, but liberating as well. I insistently wait for that day.. that day when all intricacies in my life is cleared out. Erased and forgotten. That feeling of being free, without any restrictions, without being ensnared in web of confinements and expectations. I look forward to that day, that day when you’d have to say “it’s time Saff” because we both know it will come, that inevitable day to come. And that is the moment when I’d have to sing my favorite Johnny Nash song; I picture myself shouting and not singing these words.. “I can see clearly now, the rain is gone, I can see all obstacles in my way. Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind. It’s gonna be a bright, bright, sun-shiny day”. And then I can finally declare; I am free. But at the end of the day I also should know that I have to worry, that the deluge of uncertainty of what to do is always there – how to be able to handle it. I will be overwhelmed and forced to show less emotion as I typically show in public. Challenges will be there, for sure. And they will be simmering with sadness.

I want you to know all the processes I am going through – from having to adjust, to passing the exams, to fighting a war zone, to making up your mind to what is wrong and what is right. This semester is a pocketful of lessons, but not as different as the life I lead before. And frankly speaking, I don’t feel like a medical student YET.


Friends: They Stop You When You Commit Suicide or, Ugh, Join You Instead?

Few steps back, and a few steps more. That’s us humans, atras-abante kumbaga. I don’t understand relationships, I guess, nobody does – the real understanding behind it. Oh life, why should you be so harsh on us? I mean, we do our best.. and yet, we end up rolling back the hill all of a sudden. Friends then lovers then enemies then friends again.. urgh, cycle goes on and on. And people are designed to have limitations too, that makes life even harder.

..the surprise? Just when you are about to surrender, here comes your real friends like celebrities in the red carpet, taas noo at may pa-wink pangEXTRA  – then makes you laugh like a real clown, gives you free emotional support like a psychiatrist, desires the best for you like your parents, and lets you express everything without saying whether it’d be right or wrong, in short without that fear of being judged. They are just there. Tas sabay sapak sayo at tawa nanaman. Oh friends.

So instead of skulking for the rest of the day, I managed to smile in the middle of it all; because of them. They keep you alive, a real living existence in a fairly rotten world. (Exaggerated na talaga. Haha. Pero rotten naman kapag may problema ka, o kapag feeling mo lang.) Salamat diay. 🙂

Chasing Pavements

I can’t take away the fact that friends are, every so often, the ONLY people who can rub out all the grief-stricken memories that happened to pass right in front of you, the eye itself whirling at your very core. This write-up is all for you. I value the pavements we all chased.

               Coldness enveloped my whole body – deep in the blanket under its very warmth. The alarm clock was ringing it’s batteries out and I actively opened my eyes with enthusiasm, this is it, I’ m going with them and leave every bit of my problems here.

               I wore floral patterned polo with blue jeans matched with white Nikes. And packed the things I would probably need and walked out of the house breathing deeply, inhaling the fresh morning breeze, focusing my senses to my nostrils – every speck of the gentle wind, the atmosphere was perfect for a sunrise walk. The mood of free will came over me, peace was all around. I swear I could have smiled to anyone who I crossed with along the way.

               I’ve seen them across the road, one of my friends shouted “At last, he’s here! Let’s go guys.” The 2-hour trip underwent without second thought, without noticing the people around us, we were just happy we saw each other again for at least two years. For the rest of the road trip, we greeted each other, teased one another, laughed at our novelty jokes, remembered the days we used to enjoy, and asked one another how are they now and what keeps them busy. That road trip itself was incomparable and uniquely unpayable, I cannot do this with other people.. only to THEM.

               We headed to the rafting main office, and reserved for the next day. McDonald’s was near, so we ate there without hesitation. We planned our route, and decided where would we go and enjoy the day for the rest of the trip. It was agreed that we first stop at Quantum Fun, the arcade fare at the nearby mall. We played our hearts out, and acted like little kids, it’s a sure fireway to run from all the exhaustion laid down upon us, and mind you, all our coins were spent for tokens! Haha.

               Sweat trickled down our very neck. Our body was flowing with heat and everyone was pleading and kneeling for something cold, something that can replenish the thirst that burned our awfully dry throat. Seeps in empty bottles of softdrinks were everywhere, and at that very moment, we decided to go to Missy Bon Bon, a shop just outside the mall that offers desserts and ICE CREAMS. Yes, ice creams, the one we’re craving for a moment ago. We stayed, we cooled ourselves, and fixed our mind where to go next. We walked and goofed around until this photo studio shone in all its grandeur; we took some shots, posed and messed around, and finally recopied the good ones for remembrance. (The first three photos were taken there.)

               Kilometers away is a known destination among adventure goers, it’s a trip to the city mountain that overlooked the bustling urban in all its glory. But instead of hiking, we called a cab and rode to the top.. Lethargy and laziness was our ultimate best friends at the time, we just thought that hiking can take all our strengths away and not enjoy the view later in the sunset. But everything didn’t came out of what we intended, the supposed-to-be park is closed; it’s under RENNOVATION. What else can be direr than that!? Thankfully we didn’t even walk; it’s a blessing in disguise.

               So, what to do now after all the frustration? We made up our mind that we try horse back riding. We raced our horses to extremities; the lower part of my body was numb – I can’t feel anything, maybe due to the constant thumping motion made by the galloping horse. *It’s not our fault that it’s our first times*. We first stayed calmly professional, but the teenage spirit inside us kicked in. We dared each other for a race, a race worth having.. I thought to myself, “Things like these are the ones you get back on to when you’re old, the things you pass on and tell stories on your children and grandkids, that you rode your heart to the finish line with all your heart with a horse, laughing all your problems with friends and not mind the dirt on your face and the clown you have become, well, they are your friends in the first place.”

               The sun kissed its last rays to the eternal horizon, as if the sky was splashed with orange and yellow tint in a blue canvass. Tangerine skies, oh tangerine light, never say goodbye.

               We ate our dinner with all satisfaction. And eventually ended in a KTV bar, the lobby was surrounded by portraits of known musicians in the industry; from the queen of pop to the king, from RnB divas to rock and roll hall of famers, and from British bands to local celebrities. We sang, we danced, and we had fun. Oh, a night to remember.

              6am. My feet was curling up for heat, the air conditioner must have been turned on to high button. “Wake up guys, we must be at the destination by 8 am.” We were gathered to the vehicle that would take us to the rafting area. 40 to 50 minutes did take us to the rafting zone, and geared us up with the proper suits – yellow helmet and black lifejacket. *They even offered us some arm socks to block against sunlight to avoid sunburn.* We were first oriented on the rules and what-to-do-when-carried-by-the-river-current. But in truth, we didn’t even remembered the “so they say set of laws”.. we were all excited! And there, yellow aeroboats were ready for us, to take us on a 5-hour rafting in whooshes and rapids of white water foam.

               The feeling was intense. Adrenaline splattered all over and I could endorse it to death. ^^

               Taken as a whole, the undertaking of this trip was an accomplishment – I’ve forgotten what my problems are, and just enjoyed life to the fullest. There is so much to do yet. I love my friends, I love the trip! I have weaved a tale worth telling others, we promised at the very moment that years later, we will again meet and enjoy the company of each other again.

What is madness for the many, is logical for the few..