Of Noise and Silence

The college of medicine has become such a busy transit ever since the school started (it was on June) as students come and go with their heavy books and ipads and tabs clutched under their thin arms. Everyone was preparing for the first modules from each year level: embryology for freshmen, basic cardiology for sophomores, obstetrics and gynecology for juniors, and the clerkship for seniors. Ten months later, I’m sitting next to empty chairs and the deafening silence of the halls as the students went back home. On a whim, it’s as if my world was on fast forward. Nevertheless the whole school year was a fun ride; as the maneuver is both dramatic and drudging. Well, a mix of both is the perfect formula for a life unexpected of a medical student. At least, I managed to live a good life for another year. Time flies so fast and the most memorable aspect of this year will now come to an end: me going back home to Marawi – to the sweet smell of grass and nippy breeze and the familiar taste of spicy foods! And not to forget, updating this blog! So, yes, I have all the time in the world plus plus I intend to share a good news: I’ll be a legit third year medical student two months from now! Hoho, yellow everyone! 

Friends. Parties. Intricacies.

Guilt or innocence?

If it weren’t semestral break, I wouldn’t be writing this one heck of a post in a typical non-sun day called Wednesday in a damp and cold city unambiguously called home.

Wednesday. No sun, mountain breeze, I’m alone. I should be happy because I’m at home and whatnot, but the monotony in the atmosphere is killing me.. which makes me even lonelier. So I decided to share to you “my” unanticipated life in the first semester of being a medical student.

It becomes increasingly difficult to write and sum up 5-months of experiences when you are busy all the time (Ahemm. But I’m going to try anyway), medicine so far..

..friends, party, intricacy.

Friends. I’ve been busy because of freakin’ awesome new friends (and some not, others are outright annoying, but whatever). I found myself reeling a handful of treasures – some as rare as blood diamonds standing out in a pool of dull grey stones, a beautiful golden crown out of worn-out headpieces, and pearls washed out in black sand (that’s how rarity comes in sometimes in your life). I begin to confide in the most unlikely way with the most unlikely persons in the most unlikely time (if you eventually read this, which is also unlikely, you know who you are). I have new friends which are remarkably different from my previous circle of friends – they easily bear the pain heroically, can have this kind of laughter which is infectious in nature, men who are scarred yet still manages to smile infinitely. This realization is a whiplash of what life really is – falling to the ground and standing up again. I planted it then; surround yourself with positive people and soak yourself with principles you’ll eventually live for.

Parties. The city air shows no sign of sleeping at 12 am (which is way too different to the city I grew up in, were at most, the day ends at 8 pm), the music at full blast, sweat and alcohol reeking in thin air, people are squeezing under the awnings of an alive party house, where a dozen men pull themselves up to dance and feel the ground shaking below them. I was sitting at one corner – all to avoid the downpour of music and movement. I realized that people really has different appetites to feed their cravings, different interests. My past revisited me and felt lonely once again. I don’t have my real friends with me now, I am alone and sitting in a dark corner of a club. Then my med friends who were already on the dance floor gave a sign to go and join them, the very least thing I want to do. Nonsense I guess? Yet I stood up, broke through the crowd, went straight towards them, and felt everything – all at a blurring speed. Hey, everybody has its own effin’ problem, and sometimes everybody can be crazy too.

Intricacies. I’m stuck up, and I’m scared. I guess no one understands because no one knows what I’m going through. I braced myself and adapted a new life mantra (my 99^th perhaps) that goes something like this: let go of the things you believe that hinders the happiness you are looking for. Then again, letting go is scary, but liberating as well. I insistently wait for that day.. that day when all intricacies in my life is cleared out. Erased and forgotten. That feeling of being free, without any restrictions, without being ensnared in web of confinements and expectations. I look forward to that day, that day when you’d have to say “it’s time Saff” because we both know it will come, that inevitable day to come. And that is the moment when I’d have to sing my favorite Johnny Nash song; I picture myself shouting and not singing these words.. “I can see clearly now, the rain is gone, I can see all obstacles in my way. Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind. It’s gonna be a bright, bright, sun-shiny day”. And then I can finally declare; I am free. But at the end of the day I also should know that I have to worry, that the deluge of uncertainty of what to do is always there – how to be able to handle it. I will be overwhelmed and forced to show less emotion as I typically show in public. Challenges will be there, for sure. And they will be simmering with sadness.

I want you to know all the processes I am going through – from having to adjust, to passing the exams, to fighting a war zone, to making up your mind to what is wrong and what is right. This semester is a pocketful of lessons, but not as different as the life I lead before. And frankly speaking, I don’t feel like a medical student YET.

I Just Can’t

I finally made up my decision about the election issue and put an end to this rumor (which aggravated to the point that they pleaded for my filing).

I weighed both the possible pros and cons about the matter and eventually boiled down to the basis of rejecting it. The only thing I can think about the pro is well, as blunt as it may sound, the POPULARITY. I don’t know how to justify it to convince you, but it has always been about that. (And I’m not even sure if popularity counts as a pro? Reclusive much? Check! )

But the cons of the issue is all-over the place.. it consumes so much of my time – which add to my busy schedule, it requires large amount of money (which I’m not willing to spend), the reputation of my name is at risk here (though it’s just a university election, the “SSG-ism controversy” was never set and still remained at that level for years. Over-acting it is.), my motivation is out of the basket (motivation is substantial requirement when you lead a group of people), and sad to say, I barely know I have the leadership skills. But all the concerns and support you’ve given me even if I refused to do so will always remain in my heart. I’m forever thankful to all of you. Thank you! And for those who asked this big favor, Im sorry, I don’t have the confidence and the time. There are hundreds of people who are basically and whole-heartedly fit for the position. Things like that isn’t, well, my thing at all. I assure you, whoever you choose, I will, in all my powers do the best I can to help him/her win the elections! Thank you for understanding.

Who Says Comparative Anatomy Is Easy?

Slept by 1:20 am. Woke up again by 4:01 am. Then memorized a looooong list of anatomical terms for the exam at the next few hours. I opened my “Comparative Anatomy of Vertebrates” book by Kent with a deep sigh, and a belief that I would memorize the complex terms and remember every origin and fate of the organs and germ layers. I leafed through the pages with much haste, and with fear.. fear that I may not at all recall the terms I just memorized. Once or twice, hesitation grabbed my neck.. why study if you will eventually fail? No! I will, and must not fail; I have asserted much effort in this subject. I know I can be better.

 In the stillness of the early hours, I was reading swiftly from point to point, paragraph to paragraph, and descriptions to description, examined all the available illustrations and laboratory slides which I photographed during our laboratory class.

I shoved my books in my backpack and immediately headed out. I kept telling myself that I can do this, that deep inside, my soul shouts for nothing but calmness. I yearned for postponement, for a delay. But he was there, our instructor, walking down the stairs with brimming coolness. Oh, we wish we could be as calm as he is.

The exam was in three parts. First, you cite the morphological origin and fate of the given organs during embryogenesis, cell differentiation, and gastrulation. You have thirty minutes to answer it all, and the worst part is – it’s write-minus-wrong. If your answer is wrong or you left it blank, then it will be deducted to your correct answers. Second part, the discussion of the ontogeny and phylogeny of the given words with the aid of a diagram. This time, you have one hour to answer it all. And the worst, the third, a laboratory moving exam. There are ten questions for each number which you would have to answer for two and a half minutes, which means, you have 12 seconds for each question. There are thirty stations with their ten respected question, the slides are in front – whether mounted in a microscope, photographed, or with figures. All you have to do is answer each question of the thirty numbers, therefore, 12 seconds for each question out of 300. Thus, another one hour for the third exam. And oh, did I mention, the passing rate is 70%. Who says Comparative Anatomy is easy? May my answers be as clear and comprehensible as what I thought it was.

I remained cross – fingered for the rest of the day. For now, the mattress is calling me and my body is weak, a handful of beautiful dreams is waiting for me.